Take responsibility for life psychology. External affections and honesty

To understand why people avoid responsibility, the first step is to ask yourself the following questions: “What is responsibility?” and “How to understand where a person takes it upon himself, and where not?”

I would call responsibility scope of human control. We take responsibility in those situations where we exercise control over what is happening, take part in it, perform some actions that contribute to obtaining the results that we need.

Turns out that avoidance of responsibility- this is a refusal for one reason or another to influence the situation, the expectation that the situation will change itself, or someone will change it for us. When someone is told: “Take responsibility for your life”, they usually mean: “Finally start doing something so that your life becomes the way you want, instead of complaining about the circumstances, continuing” to go with the flow".

Here it is worth recalling such a well-known concept in psychology as locus of control. This is the property of the individual to attribute their successes or failures to internal or external factors. Usually, if a person is more accustomed to considering himself the cause of those things that happen to him in life, it is considered that he internal locus of control(internal). If a person believes that in general he does not particularly affect anything in life, and what happens is determined by fate, karma, God, aliens, different people or any other circumstances, then he is considered to have external locus of control(external).

Of course, in a normal situation, for most people, this indicator will be somewhere between the two extremes, shifted more towards one or the other pole.

People whose locus of control is very much shifted to the outside usually play the role of a victim of circumstances. Everything is wrong with them, they do not influence anything, others are to blame for everything. They are not at all responsible for their lives, they move where the stream takes them. Like small children who experience helplessness in the face of emerging problems and instead of a solution, they can only be offended or blame others.

For example, a person has no friends, but he blames others for this, is offended by them and even angry because they do not understand him, do not want to understand, do not appreciate and do not love, instead of understanding the real reason, and that change something in yourself, take some action to build the desired relationship with others.

People who have a highly inward locus of control often take responsibility even for things they cannot influence. For example, for other people's emotions or decisions. These people are prone to strong feelings of guilt and self-blame when something goes wrong.

A good example would be working with a guy who experienced a number of unpleasant emotions if a girl refused him when he met. He always took any refusal personally, believing that he was doing something wrong, while believing that if he had done everything right, he would definitely have received a positive answer. He could not understand in any way that there were other circumstances that he could not influence with all his desire and with all the “correctness” of his actions. When we began to understand, it turned out that something similar was happening in other areas - the conviction that everything always depends on him. But this, of course, is not so. There are always a number of factors that influence, especially when there is an interaction with any other living system: an animal, a person, a group of people. I once really liked the wonderful example that Robert Dilts gave: if we kick the ball, with some experience and skill, we can calculate the trajectory of the ball, where it will land. If we kick a dog, we never know for sure where the dog will be in a few seconds.

Of course, if we have known a person for some time, we know his habits and features, then in this case it is already possible to more or less calculate how he will react to our action. But also not always. Moreover, we cannot control everything and always in this world. Many things happen one way or another against our will, and nothing can be done about it.

Remember the peace prayer? “Lord, give me the peace of mind to accept what I cannot change, give me the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other” – this is just about a balanced locus of control. It is very important to be able to take responsibility and take action where possible and just let go of control, accept the inevitability where there is no way to change anything.

It is also worth noting that when talking about a person's locus of control, a certain general indicator is calculated by averaging the level of control in different situations. That is, the general tendency of a person to take responsibility for events in different areas of his life on himself or to shift it to the outside world. But, interestingly, despite the common denominator, in some areas a person can have a completely opposite locus of control. For example, in the areas of business, health, self-development, a person takes responsibility for the results (internal locus of control), and in the sphere of personal relationships, he is convinced that nothing depends on him (external locus of control).

My experience is that this has a lot to do with a person's beliefs that have been formed in the process of growing up. For example, a person may have an external locus of control in the sphere of relationships, because at some stage of his life he formed the belief that God or fate will send him a "soul mate", that everything should happen by itself, so no special actions are taken. undertakes in this area.

Sometimes, on the contrary, a person believes that he has a “crown of celibacy” on him and also does nothing, but goes to psychics, hoping to “remove” the curse, instead of analyzing the reasons for failures and changing something in himself. It turns out that here he shifts responsibility for the result in this area of ​​his life to others.

Now that it has become more clear with responsibility, let's try to figure out the reasons why people avoid responsibility in different areas of their lives.

A few main reasons that come to mind:

1. The conviction of a person that it does not depend on him, that he cannot influence it. When, for one reason or another, there were convictions that this cannot be changed. I already gave one example above, but more can be added. For example, the belief "Nothing will ever change in this country." With such a conviction, a person does not even try to change anything.
In this case, it is necessary to work with these beliefs, expand the understanding of a particular area, help in finding methods to change the situation and achieve results.

2. Avoidance of responsibility due to inability and ignorance of how to do something, and as a result of waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Usually such a problem occurs in dependent people, those who have been super-cared for since childhood and were not allowed to do anything on their own. Such people simply do not know how and are not accustomed to straining to get something done. They were taught from childhood that if they tried something and didn’t work out the first time, their mother would come running and arrange everything. Usually such people, even in adulthood, if something did not work out right away, do not seek to independently find a solution, make efforts. They make a bewildered helpless look and wait for their mother to come, or for someone adult to replace their mother. And if they are not helped, they sincerely do not understand why, and are offended by the bad people around who do not like them, because they do not want to help. Often the problem is aggravated by the fact that since for many years all problems and tasks have been solved by others, a person has not formed enough skills and personal experience that he can rely on. The scope of work is very large. When a person wants to do something, it all piles up at once, it seems unbearable, and it is easier for him to return to his usual patterns of behavior. By the way, often such people have an inner feeling that they are still small and do not know what is right, but other adults know better what to do.

Of course, I described an extreme case, but such extremes occur. For some, this is manifested partially or in certain areas of life. Someone in all at once.

Therapeutic work with such people will consist in the consistent learning of independence, the development of strategies for finding solutions and achieving results, in the formation of skills and confidence that he himself knows what to do. All this should eventually lead to the gradual maturation of the personality or that part of the personality that is stuck in childhood.

3. Avoiding responsibility for fear of making mistakes. Usually this reason for throwing off responsibility is manifested in people who were constantly punished, criticized for mistakes and failures, who were exposed to excessive demands. Sometimes they simply showed how the fact that he did not cope with something badly and terribly, how much upsets his mother. In general, to put it simply, a person’s failures / mistakes are associated with something terrible and painful, so he tries to avoid them by any means. Usually such people are perfectionists, because how else can you avoid mistakes? That's right, do everything perfectly, be perfect. But there is nothing perfect in the world and cannot be. Moreover, a person cannot but make mistakes, because this is a normal part of any training. Therefore, as a rule, those areas where it will not work out perfectly, a person avoids, tries not to take responsibility for the results, because any failure will be painful for him. Surprisingly, such people are super-responsible and can feel guilty even where they cannot do anything. But at the same time, those situations in which they are not sure that they will cope 100%, perfectionists will try to avoid. They often play the game “I didn’t really want to” with themselves. That is, they simply do not do something that they can fail at, thereby maintaining the illusion of ideality. Usually such people are not prone to experiments and rarely go beyond the usual. Any attempt to do something new with them is accompanied by strong anxiety and resistance until they gain the proper degree so as not to make mistakes. Often another problem is the desire to do everything the first time. If it doesn’t work right away, the person gets upset and doesn’t try anymore. Even once it is very painful to experience failure.

In many ways, of course, they take responsibility and get results. But in areas where they may fail, where there may be criticism against them, they will avoid taking responsibility at all costs.

Therapeutic work with such people will consist in removing the fear of failure/mistake, working through the feeling of guilt, learning to accept one's imperfection and love oneself as one is, regardless of one's achievements or failures.

4. Unwillingness to take responsibility due to disbelief in one's own abilities. A person ceases to believe that he can cope with something in the case when there were a lot of failures in the past. As a result of multiple unsuccessful experiences, he develops the belief that he can’t do anything or that something is wrong with him. And with this conviction, he no longer even tries to try, because he expects failure in advance. Moreover, each new failure "clings" and lifts up the pain of past failures, forcing a person to be even more convinced that something is wrong with him and he is not capable of anything. Then a person simply does not even try to do something and manage something, he avoids any responsibility. Why, if all the same, as a result, nothing will come of it except pain and disappointment?

Therapeutic work with such a person will consist in finding internal resources, in reassessing past experience and finding out the real reasons for failure, in forming effective strategies for achieving results, in forming positive beliefs instead of negative ones about one's abilities and reinforcing them with successful experience. He will need to gradually build a “foundation of success”, first achieving results in small things, and then relying on these achievements as a resource, gradually achieving more in his life.

Of course, "pure options" are described here, but in real life they are often mixed, so the work is going on several different directions. And such work is worth doing, it can change lives very much. Studies show that people with an internal locus of control are happier, more likely to fulfill themselves in various areas of life, and less anxious. It is not surprising that such people live much better than those who have an external locus of control. The latter, not having enough influence on what happens to them, often become victims of circumstances, experience anxiety due to the inability to influence what is happening and are forced to rely on others, which makes them dependent. Under the yoke of external events, they make the wrong decisions, go in the wrong direction, and, in the end, just live the wrong life. But work on oneself allows one to turn from a “victim of circumstances” into a “master of life”, who plans, acts, makes decisions, achieves results, builds his own life. In the end, this is not something magical, but a set of supportive beliefs and effective thought patterns that can be taught to a person. And these are not empty words. For example, when I went through a program to work with drug addicts with Frank Pucelik, he told how, in his centers, from essentially dead people, whose personality is destroyed by drugs and the way of life that they led, they make quite successful members of society. Not all of course, only those who had the strength and desire to go through a long program (from one and a half years). And I saw these guys, talked to them. They are open, they have a clear speech, they are self-confident, they work, raise children, they do not look like former drug addicts. I want to be friends with such people. Looking at them, you understand what a person’s potential for positive changes is, you just need to help him open up. It's not easy, but it's quite possible.

The ability to take responsibility for your life has nothing to do with biological age. This state does not come with the onset of adulthood on a click. If a person is allowed to drink alcohol and get married, this does not mean that he can be fully aware of his actions and does not need extraneous control. On the other hand, some 13-year-olds stand out among their peers for their prudence and responsible behaviour. Here are the harsh realities of life that indicate that a person is in complete control of his actions.

The world doesn't revolve around you

Many of us like to feel the importance of our person. However, each individual is just a tiny fish in the collective plankton. This does not mean that we cannot influence the minds of other people. But this also does not give us the right to believe that the world revolves around us.

The harsh reality of adult life is such that there will be neither educators, nor parents, nor teachers nearby at a difficult moment. None of them will come and reassure with words of consolation. To cope with difficulties, you will have to look for internal resources.

The reaction to what is happening is important

An unexpected event can happen at any moment. Sometimes it's depressing, sometimes annoying. Situations can be the most frightening and unfavorable, but only your reaction dictates how much these events will affect your life. Consider this moment: someone insulted you. You can take the insult to heart, or you can ignore it. The second option will not leave any negative trail behind it, the incident will be forgotten immediately, and you will be able to do your usual business without compromising productivity. If the first option is closer to you, an insult from the other person will be taken as a blow below the belt. All your further actions will be dictated by wild resentment, and the rest of the day will go down the drain.

Fame is not the main criterion for happiness

We live in a time when instant fame and recognition in wide circles seem easily achievable. A wild desire to become famous is inherent in youthful maximalism. Over time, you will realize that there are other, more significant values ​​in life.

Distractions become a hindrance

Each of us has things that we often do during the day. And they all interfere with the workflow. Checking emails, chatting with co-workers, talking silly on the phone, watching videos on the web. We know how to put an end to it, yet we return to it repeatedly throughout the day. The more you acknowledge the harm of distractions, the sooner you can take concrete action. Turn off the Internet and set incoming calls to forwarding. The moment you learn to take responsibility for your actions, you put an end to distractions.

Haters will always hate

When the first success comes to a person, haters immediately appear in him. This is a normal life process. And you need to come to terms with this. Understand that no one can please everyone around. There will definitely be those who do not like something or those who will speak out against it. There will be many such cases throughout your life. A mature person accepts haters and allows them to experience these feelings. It is impossible to prove something to these people, so you should not waste your time and energy on them.

Blaming others doesn't work.

Remember when we were kids, we all loved to blame a broken vase on a brother, sister, or teddy bear? However, this principle does not work in adulthood. Now excuses "It's not me!" or "Katya did it" don't work. You will have to realize that it is time to take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes we do feel like victims of circumstance or the evil eye, but victim psychology never plays on our side. She plays on the side of the opponent. And it doesn't matter who it is: random circumstances or negligent colleagues in the service. The moment you stop blaming others for all your troubles, you can change everything. In fact, in all the events that happen to us, only we are to blame.

Man is where he should be

The next reality follows smoothly from the previous one. Sometimes you feel like life has treated you unfairly. Your work is not prestigious or profitable enough. Nevertheless, you think that you deserve more, but some circumstances always oppose you. In fact, your whole life, all the events in it and all the achievements are nothing but a chain from a series of your past decisions. Once you turned the wrong way or were captured by your own illusions. And now you have what you deserve.

We have great news for all those who are not happy with the current state of affairs. Right now, you can start counting new events in the chain. But for this you need to start making informed and rational decisions. It's never too late to change something. And if once you chose an unloved business for yourself as your main professional activity, it's time to end it. Just make sure you're firm enough in your desire, then put your doubts and fears aside. Do not think about the problems that you will meet along the way. Use common sense, not emotions. No matter how hard it is to get what you want, just go ahead and ignore the setbacks.

Take responsibility for your life - written in many respected sources.

What does this mean in general? And who else besides me is responsible for it? This is my life, I'm already responsible for it. What's incomprehensible here?

I want to say, when I read smart books, I did not really understand this term: Responsibility.

Responsibility, responsibility...

Much has been said about her. Everyone is afraid of her for some reason! In a warehouse, a loader is afraid to become a storekeeper. It would seem that the work is easier, and walking around in a clean one, but he does not want to be responsible for what happens in the warehouse. I ask, did the last storekeeper suffer greatly from responsibility? No, but you know how the boss cursed at him ... So what? Nothing ... He, in principle, always swears ...

Why are people so afraid of her? Why avoid?

Even Google disclaims all responsibility. Both Yandex and Apple ... They all disclaim responsibility: you download some application, even a paid one, and there is a whole disclaimer. That is your problem if something went wrong with you. So he's an idiot!

And users, on the contrary, want as many guarantees as possible. “What guarantee do you give?” - ask before buying. As a rule, the most daring sellers give the most daring guarantee, which they obviously will not fulfill.

Once worked with a flooring company, so they had a whole department to deal with warranties. The warranty was 25 years. Impressive, isn't it? But if you deviate even one iota from the instructions (and this is 99%, unless you create your own department for the implementation of instructions), that's it - the guarantees disappear! Thus, they also relieved themselves of responsibility.

I remember, in English lessons at school: - Hu from he is duty today?

Everyone looks out the window and pretends that they have been learning English for the first year. In translation, “duty” means duty, obligation. And duty is a responsibility, so everyone diligently avoids it, waiting for someone else to be “duty” and washing the floors after school. Everyone wants more rights and fewer responsibilities.

I used to naively think that the less you work, the less you get tired. It was one of the biggest mistakes in my life...

Recently, during a morning run, I caught myself thinking: but in the army it was very interesting for me to run. Now you think: I wish I had more time, I would run 10 km every day and, as a result, I would prepare at least for a half marathon.

And in the army there was a cool feat - while jogging, unnoticed by the sergeants, get out of line and smoke behind the barracks, while everyone is running! Another thing is to drive for moonshine in the village! 8 km of clean trail in soldiers' boots through the winter forest! Escape from the medical unit with a temperature of 38 and make it in 45 minutes. along with the purchase of moonshine! The next day, URAL took me to the hospital - it turned out that I had pneumonia.

Trail running is a sports discipline that involves running on natural terrain at a free pace or as part of a competition. The main difference from cross-country running is in the landscape. For trail running, hills and even mountains are usually chosen, as well as deserts and dense forests.

Thus, evading jogging, from duty, from any duties, we evade life.

When I was young, I dated girls, but I didn't want to get married - it's a responsibility. Suddenly then you have to get a divorce, but what about the children and jointly acquired property? What if I can't feed my kids? For me it was a very painful issue - children.

When I started dating another girl, I asked myself the question: do I want to take responsibility for this person? And he got married when he answered yes to this question! Of course, the decision was not made entirely by reason (who ever marries on the basis of logical reasoning?), but since then I have had additional incentives to move forward.

And I noticed that if a person cannot take responsibility for what happens in his life, a certain inner emptiness appears, which he begins to fill to the best of his understanding: someone meets all the women in a row, someone drinks, uses different substances, someone mindlessly watches TV or plays computer games all night long. There are many ways. In this way, he tries, as it were, to renounce the fact that he himself is the master of his life.

In order to justify ourselves in our own eyes, we often convince ourselves that we are unable to achieve the goal; in fact, we are not powerless, but weak-willed.
François de La Rochefoucauld

For such people, someone is always to blame, external circumstances, the government, we live in the wrong country, we were born in the wrong family, there is no talent, now it’s too late to change anything ... I think you will recognize someone you know in these statements . And add a lot of excuses that you hear every day.

We say such statements to ourselves or aloud, often without even noticing it.

- What are my circumstances? - each of us will tell.

- But you know, I had even worse circumstances, when I generally lost everything and started again ....

- But then you, and I do not like everyone else! Everything is bad for me! But how many people tried to change something - they did not succeed!

And in this way they collect “failure stories”.

And you just try to believe that you can do it! And collect even small stories, but success! Because we are all created in the image and likeness of God - He created this world, and we create our own! It is written/rewritten, but it is very difficult to understand and, most importantly, to accept.

Accept the fact that you yourself created your life. With your thoughts, decisions and actions!

Of course, there is also the influence of the initial data - it will not work for a legless football player to become a champion among healthy ones. But he can become a champion at the Paralympics!

Everyone has his own path.

You don't have to look at others when you carry your cross. You need to look ahead, uphill. This is often very painful and difficult.

You need to answer three questions for yourself:

1. Who is my worst enemy?
2. What is the hardest obstacle for me to overcome?
3. Who can change my life for the better?

The real hobby of our generation is whining and goofing off about nothing. Bad relationships, school problems, an asshole boss... It's all bullshit. There is only one asshole and that is you. And you will be very surprised if you find out how much you can change just by tearing your ass off the couch.
George Carlin

It's hard to live, right? It's not hard at all if you decide to take responsibility for your life.

Say to yourself aloud: - This person, and everything that surrounds him, was invented and created by me. But I don't want that anymore. I want to change my life. She doesn't suit me. I will change it for the better! I will become the best version of myself! I am the master of my life!

And start small. For example, read at least one page a day, do a one-minute exercise / pick up a bottle in the park and put it in the trash.

After all, being the master of your own land does not mean talking about politics and criticizing others, but treating it like a master. Just like with your life. Who, besides you, will put things in order in it?

Make a commitment to yourself and others to change your life. After all, only you can do it, and no one else.

Is responsibility really that bad?

In order for you to cleanse yourself of internal negativity and change your life for the better, along with understanding the sequence of changes, you must take full responsibility for all your actions, words, thoughts, emotions, feelings, actions and decisions.

If you read the book, but do nothing, start looking for those responsible for your problems or excuses for your inaction, then this means that you do not want to take responsibility for everything that is happening to you now and what should happen in your life in the future.

This is a consequence of not understanding the important role that responsibility plays in your life. Many are generally very mistaken and consider responsibility only from the point of view of taking on heavy burdensome duties.

Yes, you need a certain willpower and discipline, consistency and determination in order to take responsibility, and indeed, certain duties arise in this case. But no one says it will be easy. However, do not forget that responsibility must also be considered in terms of choosing not only your problems, but also your happiness. By making the right choice, you choose not only difficult responsibilities, but also your happiness, joy and love.

In other words, you have to pay for everything in life. If you want to be happy, successful and prosperous, surrounded by harmonious relationships, pay for it with your personal time, attention, presence, consistency, determination, perseverance and hard work of your soul.

In addition, the choice is always yours, it belongs to you and it is completely in your power. You may not take responsibility for your life. This is also a choice. But always remember. If you are not in control of your life, then someone else will be in control. And it will not always be the person who loves you. In addition, I will tell you one secret. In fact, being a responsible person means being a free person. Or does freedom also scare you?

Let's see what gives you taking full responsibility for everything that happens to you in your life and whether freedom of choice is so terrible.

Responsibility gives you complete freedom in choosing your life path, goals and aspirations, people and relationships, your actions and deeds, thoughts and words, your own reactions to events and actions of other people.

Responsibility gives you complete control over your life. You become the master of your life in any of its areas: professional, family, personal, social.

Responsibility gives you the opportunity to build your life in accordance with your inner values ​​and the voice of your heart.

Responsibility gives you the right to make any decisions regarding your life and be fully responsible for them. Be it business, career, work, family, loved one, friendships and business relationships.

Responsibility gives you the opportunity at any time and in any situation to make a choice in the direction of good.

Responsibility gives you the right to say “yes” or “no” in any situation in your favor, while protecting your interests, aspirations and life values.

Responsibility gives you the opportunity to initially refuse unfavorable conditions for you, destroying unequal relationships and any other negative that does not serve your good in the present.

What is the result?

It turns out that responsibility gives you not only duties, but also all life privileges and rights and protects you. With responsibility, you can improve your life. You can enrich your inner world and make yourself a happy person. You can surround yourself with your beautiful values ​​and good people you love.

Do you see how powerful responsibility is?

Responsibility is the freedom to choose your life path and achieve any of your goals and aspirations. Don't be afraid to take responsibility for your life. You will feel the lightness and freedom that you so lacked in life.

If you do not know what to do in this or that situation, if you cannot make the right decision or make a certain choice, then this means only one thing - you are afraid of responsibility or freedom of choice. In this case, you need to look for internal negative reasons for such fear and always remember that responsibility gives you power over your life, fills you with personal strength and vitality, cleanses you of negative problems, including fear, destructive relationships and problem people. . Responsibility strengthens your faith in yourself and makes you the master of your life.

Sincerely, Irina Olkhovskaya.

Joe Vitale: RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE!

I am guided in my life and in my relationships with people by the following principles.

1. The physical universe is the embodiment of my thoughts.

2. If my thoughts are harmful, they create a harmful physical reality.

3. If my thoughts are perfect, then they create a physical reality exuding LOVE.

4. I am fully (100%) responsible for the creation of my physical universe.

5. I am fully (100%) responsible for the transformation of harmful thoughts that create a harmful reality.

6. Nothing exists apart from me. Everything exists as thoughts in my mind.

Joe Vitale and Dr. Ihaliakala Hugh Lin "Living Without Limits - THE SECRET HAWAIIAN SYSTEM FOR acquiring health, wealth, peace and happiness"